Why some men are so lost – Man Week

by Mark Pollard on July 1, 2009 · Comments

in On being alive

Isn’t it interesting that the current Man Week campaign from Reachout to get young guys to open up is challenging guys to be tough enough to reveal themselves?

Isn’t this ‘man enough’ ideal the problem? So, isn’t using it to challenge guys to talk still keeping the issue in the very construct that’s doing them harm?

Ah, Man Week, how I love thee.

Some personal background

I’m really interested in manhood stuff. Hopefully, before I leave this life, I’ll have made an impact in the area. But I’m still working out how personal to get online about it all. Here’s why:

My parents split when I was young. I grew up mostly with a mum and a sister. Things often got hectic. I went to a good school but grew up in inner city Sydney – Glebe, when it was less pretty. I got shuffled a little bit between homes an hour away from each other. Few kids from my school lived in either area. I disappeared into sport, music and words (then, as a young adult, martial arts and a magazine). I was mostly transient with groups of mates – I’d hang with the Asian kids, kids from Glebe, the intelligent kids, hip hop kids, North Shore kids… but, mostly, I walked to my own beat.

My parents are good people. I’ve learnt since having kids that being an adult isn’t simple. But I felt hollow about 2 particular things a lot of the time as a young guy.

The first was a feeling of permanent vulnerability

Maybe, it’s something – as a teenager – I romanticised (I could have been listening to too much hip hop): being a latchkey kid in Glebe was something I felt so adult about at the time (mind you, I walked myself to school as a 5 year old) but I always had this underlying sense of vulnerability. I had no male backup. No brothers, no dad in the area, few lifelong mates nearby. Getting searched and threatened by local police was a badge of honour. Kids always carried weapons – if only a screwdriver. We enjoyed the randomness because it felt like we had control of not having control. Everything else, we had no say in. It was twisted.

The second thing I felt hollow about was trust

I didn’t trust anyone. I’m still learning to deal with this. I guess being moved around a bit between houses, having a lot of adults come in and out of your life when you’re young (parents’ new friends, partners, dates), you just… turn off. You stop giving new people attention because you think they won’t be there a week later. You get used to people not living up to their promises so you become cynical and don’t think anyone will hold true to their promises. You have this idea that every time your parent ends a new relationship, it’s your fault. Because your parents have kids. Sometimes, they even accidentally say this.

So what are some of the issues facing male-dom?

1. Being a man is intrinsically about physicality

Being a teenager and young man is almost entirely about physicality. Sport defines organised social hierarchy. Physical appearance determines what group you become part of, and whether someone thinks you’re worth picking a fight with. As a kid, I was pretty. But as soon as I was spending more time roaming the streets I had 2 ear-rings (early 90’s!), I shaved my head, I wore baggy pants, tracksuits, Air Max, bandanas, caps … all the corny stuff.

In all honesty, I did this to project someone tougher than I was because I felt so vulnerable and insecure. I see photos now and cringe. I wasn’t big but I needed to feel big.

2. Many men don’t know any better

I’ve had a lot of occasions in my life when I felt really alone. When I was 17, one of my ex-girlfriends passed away from cystic fibrosis. I felt so bad – not only because she was a wonderful person, but also because I couldn’t handle the idea of where her condition would inevitably lead when I was dating her. I nearly crashed the car on Birkenhead Bridge when I drove to the hospital to try to see her for the last time – I was so panicked. She wanted us to remember her as she was, so I didn’t get to apologise. I wish I had her strength.

Still, my mates pretty much just left me alone for two weeks. None came to the funeral because it was O-Week at their respective unis or they had lectures. No one wanted to talk to me about it. I think one of my parents asked me how the funeral was. I was just… out there… alone. So I wrote about it like I always did.

3. Testosterone and the Neanderthal

I think the real challenge facing Man Week and the conversation about young adults needs to take into account the fact that, biologically, men are bred for action, for violence, for dumb stuff. From what I’ve read (and I’m not pretending to be an expert), our brains are wired for the hunt.

Doing martial arts, we got to talk a bit about fight psychology and the way the brain works. Next time you see an altercation, you’ll probably notice a few phases. When there is distance between the people the talk is longer – full sentences (“What are you looking at? I said, what are you looking at?”). As they get closer, the chat becomes more monosyllabic (“What? Yeah? You!”), sight becomes more tunnel vision, the adrenaline dump happens and you either fight or flee. They say the best way to diffuse these situations is to ask a question back and give distance to the protagonist; and the best way to avoid them – advice I will definitely pass to my son – is to not hang out with morons in stupid places. Your ego heals faster than your body.

My point? Men need different coping mechanisms. It’s not just about getting them to talk. They need to understand that they are wired for certain behaviour and that there are things they can do about it. But they also shouldn’t feel ashamed of this fact.

4. It takes a real dad

I have two kids. I want to be a great dad. I’m at work too much. Sometimes, I’m distracted or half-asleep when I’m at home. I fear over-compensating for all of the above. But all I want for my kids is for them to find their own rhythm in life. I don’t know what a real dad is. But, I know that when my son kisses my daughter on the head randomly, we’re doing the right thing. I also wrestle with him and try to teach him about physicality and the boundaries that are OK to play within.

5. It also takes a village

This is something I truly believe our society has lost sight of: it takes a village to raise a child. Everyone’s so busy. Everyone’s looking out for themselves. There was research that I read in The Australian 2 weeks ago that said that today’s grandparents don’t want to mind their grandchildren. What’s going on? I’m wrestling with this one a bit… I’m not contributing enough to the ‘village’ for starters. Thing is, I don’t know where it is, either. We’re all over the place.

So…
Just to be clear, I don’t write about this stuff for sympathy or to put myself out there as this sensitive guy. I write about it hoping someone will relate to it – and not feel alone. I write about it hoping it will shed light on common themes I’ve come across and that my story is just an example of the many things that guys are trying to work out and deal with. It’s not a competition – I’ve met so many people who’ve had incredible battles in their lives. Maybe me writing some simple stuff will encourage them to write about their own adventures.

Other blogs to read for Man Week

If you’re on Twitter sharing Man Week links, tag them with #manweek

Photo courtesy AJ.

What do you think?
Either below or on your own blog, please leave some of yourself behind.

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Tagged as: #manweek, Man Week, Manhood

  • One thing I have learned over time, is that for every weakness there is a strength; for every negative, there is a positive.

    I wonder if, without the loneliness, you would have gotten to understand, translate and write about your thoughts and feelings as well as you do?

    I didn't interpret your blog as sympathy seeking - far from it. It came across as an honest and heartfelt recount of something which has clearly been difficult for you. And, despite not knowing you, I feel strangely proud of you for being brave enough to open up and share your feelings.

    Let's hope that others in similar situations read this and open up.

    Good on ya Mark: you da man ;)
  • Mark. Great, GREAT post. One of the best I've read in a long time. Thanks mate.

    And yes, I relate.

    I didn't carry a weapon, as a kid, and I wasn't tough. Didn't even pretend to be. But because I was big and gentle and scared of violence. Not scared of being hurt; I played all the really rough games, and loved 'em. I was scared of the spite and anger of violence.

    So I grew up avoiding violence. In fact, I grew up avoiding any situation that might result in violence. Yes, that left me feeling vulnerable, but even worse, it really undermined my self-esteem. I agree that as a kid and young adult, malehood is all about physicality. And by that logic, because my fear diminished my masculinity, it also diminished my worth.

    I'm still scared of violence. And to be honest, I still feel this diminishes my masculinity. But, importantly, I no longer feel it diminishes my worth.

    Like you, I'm a father of 2 (in 4 weeks, I'll be a father of 3). Being a dad has given me some extremely valuable perspective. I know that my sensitivity is a positive thing. Yours is too, Mark. Much more valuable than the narrow concept of masculinity.

    You don't need a role model to be a good dad. It sounds like you're already there.

    Next time I'm down in Sydney, we'll have to catch up for a beer. (When I'm back on it! Been dry in moral support for the preggas wife.) IMHO too few men are strong enough and secure enough to speak as you have. It's refreshing and endearing.

    Keep it up.

    Cheers.
    Glenn Murray
  • Fantastic post.

    I agree with you about the fact that men need different coping strategies.

    Personally, I've found out (like many other women) where not having a coping strategy leads, and promised not to let myself go there again. As each day goes by, I build upon my coping strategies so that when I face a really terrible situation, at least I have a swag of tools to rely on.

    I made the mistake this week of trying to force these coping strategies onto a male without thinking that these were probably preferred choice for women (i.e. counselling, etc). I had the best intentions and was worried sick, but still I realised its important to try and let guys come up with their own coping mechanisms.

    Thanks for your post this morning.

    Jess
  • nice post mark. I didn't have a Dad around either so I'm not sure what it means to have one or what his role is. but it sounds like you're on the right track with your kids so that's the main thing. choose family over work though would be my suggestion (though I'm not the best example, but if I had a family I'd do this; working in meantime - trying to slow down) kids don't need lots of money/big houses/consumerist life - we (my sister & I) grew up ok without all this stuff. (not suggesting this is you anyway) - I think they need creativity & play & attention & people to listen to what they say & to help them learn, support, time. those sorts of things. it's finding the balance I suppose.
  • Jo
    What a fantastic post. I think generally people can be too guarded in sharing their experiences and how they trully feel. There were a few themes you touched on that I think are true for both men and women.
  • you are, officially, my hero today.
  • Point 3 is something I've wrestled with myself.

    My Cro Magnon aggression always piques when another man hits on my fiance, particularly when I've made the nature of our relationship clear. I've come a hair's breadth within headbutting one guy's nose flat across his face, but that would have got me 2-3 years.

    Human evolution has a long way to catch up with the society we've built for ourselves. Cro Magnon men were essentially disposable, propagation being limited to the number of fertile females. Natural selection dictated the boldest, most intelligent and physically adept men would triumph over those inferior for the privilege of reproduction. Unfortunately aggression was also a crucial factor, a trait also favoured by women, which remains a contributing factor to the inexplicable attraction some women have to assholes.
  • @natface
    This is a really insightful post, Mark. Glad you decided to write about it.

    I remember seeing a woman interviewed years ago on Larry King or some such program, who had written a book about the struggle of manhood in today's society. I will try and find out who it was, because she made some really valid arguements: talking about the goalposts being dramatically changed for men over the last century with regards their role in family, society, expectations on behaviour etc. And the difficulties that this has created for men when it comes to defining themselves etc.

    Anyway, I digress. Really interesting to hear your views on this. Great post. If this is what comes of you getting personal online, you should definitely do it more often!

    Nat
  • Hey Mark Pollard,

    This is a sensational post. Interesting insight into your perspectives of "male-dom".

    This morning, I put up a post canvassing some similar issues. You can find it on the ReachOut.com website at this url

    http://au.reachout.com/connect/blog/man-week-da...

    Would be really interested to hear how your experiences are similar or different to my own, and my perspective of masculinity.

    Also quite like the way you question the 'man enough' construct. The thought stuck through me through the article. How valid is 'masculinity' as an idea? What purpose does it serve?

    Anyway. Just a few thoughts of mine. :)
  • Victoria
    Mark, I always enjoy reading your work!

    I can imagine it would be hard for younger males to open up about feelings... but it's tough for anyone... The benefit of being female is the close personal bonds you have with your girlfriends.

    As society evolves, the ‘village’ isn’t necessarily a meeting place at the bottom of the street – more like forums similar to this… where people have the opportunity and platform to discuss shared interests.

    Your paragraph about fatherhood gave me a lot to think about. I can relate to Kath’s comment – I grew up not knowing my birth father, but am lucky enough to have the most amazing man as a step father…. The only catch was, he was absent most of the time working so hard to provide a beautiful and comfortable home for my mother, sister and myself.
    The best thing you can do for your little ones is be there… You (and their mother!) are the most important people in their lives, and you always will be. Your daughter will compare EVERY man in her life to you! You’re her number one man.
    There’s a definite kind of strength, that only a father can provide.

    Anyway, there’s a focus on fatherhood on tonight’s Hack (JJJ)… Should be interesting! :)
  • Hey Mark,

    Thinking about "Testosterone and the Neanderthal". I've always been a big fan of Ted Hughes. He wrote a lot about natural instincts and their suppression, particularly in men. It seems that in each of us is an animal; one that has a need to be dominant, violent, sexual, whatever and we tend to tame that beast, keep it under wraps for the sake of modern life. I guess I'm wondering if this firstly is completely healthy and second if there is an appropriate outlet for this natural aggression. One that doesn't have the 'Neanderthal' tag attached to it.

    I don't consider myself a meathead by any stretch of the imagination (I got punched three weeks ago for the first time in over 10 years. East London rules). But I do think that a certain amount of aggression is appropriate, maybe even healthy if used in the right situation (ie. football).

    Word.
  • This was a cool week. I'm down with man stuff. It's cool. Easier to write about than to talk about though. Thanks for all the reads and comments. Much appreciated. Blew me away. I always get nervous when I write then publish this sort of stuff but thanks for not judging (at least on my own blog!)

    @JBewes Agree re: strength and weakness. Used to say that the sensitive thing is my achilles heal but then I wouldn't write if I wasn't sensitive, and I love writing.

    @Glenn Did you say beer? I hear you on the violence thing. I was actually going to write a post this week called 'Men need to wrestle' - but I got stuck and wrote the one above instead.

    @Jess Definitely think most men have different coping strategies. Just think about the way we talk - guys talk about sports, women talk about celebrities. Kidding... sort of. But we're definitely geared different ways. Don't forget that women are generally attributed for the evolution of languages since they were the ones running tribes while the men were hunting. Yes, I read that in this awesome book. But it feels right.

    @Kath I hear you! Tough working in advertising to really get balance. Life's a pitch.

    @Jo Thanks. Agree.

    @Katie No, you are. But does it come with a costume? :)

    @Oscar Definitely been there. Stories for another time. Guess you have to be bigger than the moment if you can. Takes focus though.

    @Nat Yeh, I read stuff every now and then - not so much the academic stuff. Roles have definitely changed but it also depends on the couple.

    @Matt Dig you r story about your dad. Interesting that most of the Man Week stuff I've read online had something to do with dads. Says a lot. My idea of masculinity really builds on the above. It's about acknowledging and being peaceful with physicality but knowing when and when not to use it; but also enjoying smarts and words - something that I think Australian masculinity isn't yet comfortable with compared to some cultures.

    @Vic I think you need to write about that for me here :) Remember chatting to you ages ago about it. Let me know if you'd like to.
  • Hey Mark,

    Thank you so much for writing this. Being the sole parent of a young boy, I'm always freaking out about how the departure of his dad will affect him.

    Sure, I wrestle with him, organise regular catch ups for him with my dad and brother, try and be a strong role model, but I know it's not the same. And to be honest, I've come back to read your post a number of times over these past few days because it helps me try and understand what he may experience in the future and reassures me that he might just be ok...
  • Awesome post Mark, thanks for sharing!
  • Mark,

    I wish I knew about Man Week last week, but I am still going to add my voice later tonight on my blog savingalan.com.

    I am an older guy in my mid to late forties and it is very hard to get men to talk openly about more than work, footy and women. As a father of a young boy I feel the same concerns about the village .. where is it? Is it as fathers we become disconnected from our local community as we get older due to work pressures etc, and being a single father means no partner to help connect through.

    The challenges are continual and varied and are all part of the human condition. I am scared about writing very personal issues for fear of judgments from others, but I have committed to doing it and sharing my story, so off to blank piece of paper.

    Thanks for sharing your story and thoughts.
  • Mark,
    This is a great, great post. I can relate to so much of this stuff you write about here. I came here via my friend (Edward Harran) who wrote a great piece over on his Posterous.

    I think a challenge men have as being men is this notion of 'success' - having to excel in everything they do, even if it's at the expense of their own well-being (women are supposed to take care of us, right?</end sarcasm>) - work, finding a partner, money, self-image...

    Here's my contribution:

    http://www.memeshift.com/2008/08/18/sometimes-i...

    thank you for writing such a meaningful post.
  • Cheers, Morgan. 'Success' - or the pursuit of it - can definitely be blinding.
  • AndrewS2000
    Mark, I love your blog, your thoughts are cogent and heartfelt. I can relate entirely to what you're talking about. I think, on the whole, we have collectively done, and continue to do, a disservice to our boys. We put them in a framework of challenge and respond instead of explore and reward. Yes boys are wired to hunt and that, being a natural instinct, needs to be channeled towards productive and rewarding paths. The problem is that we don't honor their innate ability to love and communicate. I've been in the same situations you described growing up. My parents are good people who as immigrants in America were in way over their heads. Moving a lot, never having lasting friendships. And so I took it upon myself to be self appointed vigilante, fighting, beating the crap out of some guy for no reason other than to establish some primal primacy in a social circle that I didn't really even care about was one of the only outlets I had.

    I was moved reading, this and several of your other posts. Please keep writing. You've now inspired me to get more personal in my own blog. (something that I have been wrestling with for months that has paralyzed me into silence... until now.)

    Thank you.
  • Thank you very kindly, Andrew. Have you written more about your story in detail?
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