What I want for my kids

by Mark Pollard on December 2, 2009 · Comments

in Life

I have two kids, both of whom have been in childcare since they were about 11 months. Every day that I drop them off I’m happy that they will find stimulation in and care from great teachers and some really cool kids.

But, when the gate closes behind me, my heart sinks just a little bit as well. Every day.

At the same time, I understand that – in the society and ways I’ve bought into – this is the way for the time being, that with two employed parents we are very fortunate… and, for the most part, our kids seem to be really thriving with the stimulation. The fact that my oldest sometimes asks to go to childcare at 8am on a Saturday kind of gave it away.

Tonight, I had my 4th parent-teacher night ever… for my 20-month old. Typically, the teacher shares photos and stories about your child then asks a few questions like: “What should we focus on with your child? What goals do you have for your child?”

My answers usually revolve around ‘a balance of everything’ and that ‘goals can come later’. I feel like I’m letting the question down, but doing my job as a parent – as I see it. Is that called cognitive dissonance? Word.

Anyway… I thought I’d share my thoughts on what I actually want for my kids – knowing that I have impact – but no control – over what actually will happen.

The headline: I want them to find their own rhythm in life

I’ve said this a few times when asked by different people. It’s cute – but it’s bullshit. If I was honest with myself, that means that I want them to be happy being themselves but hopefully absorbing a lot of my values in the process. But it doesn’t mean that they have to get into uni, that they have to work as obsessively as I have over the years, that they have to make lots of money.

It does mean that I want them to engage in the good, constructive things that humanity has on offer – and to choose a lot more of this than the opposite.

So, having given it a little more thought… here are 7 things I would like my kids to become – and, if they read it some day, know that this is not a checklist. You will get high-fives and knuckles as long as you do good.

1. Intellectually curious and adventurous

I can’t help it but I struggle with people who aren’t curious about the world. Like, why are we here? Why do we behave how we behave? Where do butterflies come from? But, I struggle even more with people who are curious but have no desire to do, to turn their thoughts and ideas into actions. I respect this value.

2. Problem solvers

This is connected to the above but I love the analytical mind that tries to make things better. I try in my own way to do this. It doesn’t have to be on a grand scale, but I hope they solve problems more than they complain about or create them.

3. Empathic

Easy to say; hard to do. I simply hope that they think more about other people around them than not. Sometimes you meet people who are so in tune with others – how they feel, how to help them, patient listeners – that you realise how self-absorbed you are. I don’t wish that my kids become saint-like but I do hope they consider the issues in the lives of people around them and try to be change agents in those situations.

4. Physically ambitious

This is not about being the best in the world. It’s about exploring the world through their physicality – not turning it off. I hope they get to experience their bodies in ways they couldn’t have imagined (keep it clean) – my main personal example is through martial arts. If you’ve ever trained and seen your leg pop up above your head, felt exhausted but punched on, wrestled your way out of a choke… you know what I mean.

5. Good communicators

I think you can have average ideas, communicate them well and still make an impact. Of course, I hope my kids have the odd fantastic idea – simple fantastic is cool; versus Nobel Prize – but ideas are nothing if you can’t express them to people in motivating ways.

6. Able to love without being blinded by it

I hope my kids can love the crazy, unbridled love. The meal-replacement kind of love. I just hope that, in doing so, they keep most of their senses about them.

7. Aware that I’m always there for them – and completely flawed

Times will get tough but we’ll get through them. I’ll physically be there to make sure we do – touch wood. Also, nobody’s perfect – especially your parents. Every day we learn stuff. That’s what keeps us going.

What do you want for your kids?
I’d love to know.

Photo by foreversouls. (Not my kids!)

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  • Hi Mark, I like what Hodding Carter had to say:

    "There are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these is roots, the other, wings."

    Besides obviously love, I believe that time is the next most important thing to give to our children, although I find it damn hard to get enough of the stuff! I read Michael Ende's cautionary tale "Momo" when I was young, and the story has stayed with me ever since. It's perhaps even more relevant now than when it was written - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Momo_(novel)

    Thanks for the great post!
  • xray
    To be mindful.
  • Nice comment. Did you ever read the Adele Horin piece about giving kids the time and space to find out who and what they want to be? Here's a link to it on my blog: http://allconsuming.blogspot.com/2006/10/no-rus...

    I think it all comes down to talking to our kids, ensuring they see us curious with our world and engaged with those around us. And that we make mistakes too.
  • Hi Kim. No, I hadn't read it but thanks for sharing the link and your story. The stuff above is my honest (well, I'm trying to be) answer to the question: What do you want for your kid?

    I'd be lieing if I said, 'Whatever they want.' Eventhough that's my answer most of the time, and it's what I think most of the time. But, having been asked it a bunch of times, I thought I'd try to be constructive with it.

    Have you read 'Freakonomics'? There's some stuff in there about names we give our children and whether they affect the kids' lives (no), and, I can't remember if it was 'Freaknomics' or 'Blink' where someone studied pushy parents and found that simply having books around - not necessarily force-reading - lead to curiosity and excelling. BTW this is now what I'm looking for. But worth reading if you're into the area.
  • candicependergast
    It's really nice to see a post about your kids, and that I am not the only one who struggles when sending them off to daycare.

    I have two around the same age as yours Mark, the eldest is 5 and the youngest 18 months, and as I had them at a young age, I had to give up all career prospects to be at home with them.

    The thing that I am grappling with at the moment is trying to get back into the industry, but doing the right thing by them at the same time. Trying to balance fulfilling my ambition and my desire to get into planning while still meeting their needs is proving to be very very difficult.

    So to answer your question, what do I want for my kids - I want them to know that for me they always come first and that I would give up everything for them if I needed to. That there is nothing so important that it can't wait if they needed me. And that I love them even when they drive me crazy. :)

    Thanks for the great post - so nice to feel I'm not alone. :)
  • Thanks, Candice. The more I talk to parents the more I realise that so many of us are in the same boat - we just don't hear about it much because we're all busy with stuff.

    You're wanting to get into Planning in advertising? It's hard to get balance in our industry. I'm striving for it but it's really tough. It's not like we're doctors or police people but still...

    I think if they know that they come first, they'll have good self-esteem and be able to be strong through a lot of stuff.
  • When I turned twenty-one, my father said to me, "I'm proud of you. I really had no idea how you would turn out, and you gave me the shits as a teenager, but you came out fine and I like you as a person. That's all I need."
  • Based on how well I know your dad, I don't think he used the word 'shits'. I think you put that in to sound cool.
  • lscassar
    This is such a nice post.

    I don't have kids and never wanted them until I met my partner. Now I'm open to the option because I think he would be an amazing guide in this crazy world. The reason he would be an amazing guide is because he is so loved. His parent just love him and love him and love him. So much that he has an amazing sense of security to run at the world full paced and not be scared of what may hit him.
    I think this speaks to your last point and I think that with the last point in check all of the other stuff will come.
    Knowing that you have someone who will love you unconditionally is what its all about and if that piece of the puzzle is missing we can't expect a person to ever be confident enough to fit together the others.
  • I love how proud of and communicative you are about your partner. I need to meet him. Bring him in some time! I have friends who've had that sense of security and I've always been amazed by it - it's like a shield.
  • Nice post and one worth thinking about.

    I guess I would like them to have resilience and good self esteem - particularly relevant today as it is International Day for People with a Disability and my daughter has cerebral palsy.

    I think the celebration of diversity is really important and one that I would like to highlight.

    Cheers
  • Hey Jenni. Good points. I didn't know that - never asked either. Agree about diversity - on one hand I think kids accept a whole lot of stuff that adults pick up on; on the other hand, they can make some pretty quick and hard calls about people. Catch you at a Coffee Morning before Xmas!
  • Great list. My children are now 10 & 15. I'm therefore at the middle stage and the emerging end product stage of seeing how they come out. I treasure that my daughter still hand makes cards on my birthday and sings all the time. That my son talks to me about sport and asks ridiculous questions that puzzle him. When he was 4 he once called my wife at work and asked who would win in a fight between a swordfish & a hammerhead shark. The question areas have changed , but are still in a similar vein. The best pieces of advice I took as a parent was from an article from the broadcaster Frank Muir. It was never to refuse to buy your children a book. Two I'd add to the list. Laugh a lot. Have some great friends to share the journey.
  • That question about the hannerhead and swordfish is awesome. My boy is in the physical/fight stage, working it out. I'm trying to work out how old is old enough before teaching him martial arts. Books, friends and laughing... yes yes yes. Completely agree and am conscious of all. A lot (not all) of my close mates and some family aren't nearby - one day, I hope they will be so we can share all of this fun stuff.
  • Mr Pollard

    I have a soft spot for ya - you and servant prompted me to write for 'the perfect gift for a man'

    On intellectual curiosity, I had miss4 - next to me here - asking me the other day "dad, before I got here, where was I? I would have been more than happy to point her to a few existentialists faves of mine, but then I realized I had none. Message here is, I did nothing to instigate that insight. Totally out of my hands

    Problem solving, yep. All for it. Only caveat is sometimes things get resolved the brute way, as in Mr T banging the door down, rather than trying to guess the lock combination.

    Being empathic (or empathetic? dunno mate I'm a migrant, what do I know about English) I am so ambivalent bout it... as in, do neglected kids become awesomely empathetic? dunno.

    Physically ambitious, love that bit. This is what enables us to create things that helps us do more than our physical beings can (e.g. fly). Just wish for my kids to be able to tow an 18-footer yacht along the highway ('cause I won't :)

    Good communicators - I'm sure you experienced it. They are great communicators when they want to be

    Them being loving; again, this is entirely their discretion in my book. So many things come to bear, it's like a magic potion

    Being there for them. I guess parents are a bit like god; not in the almighty kinda way, but we'll be around when most things have failed.

    Looking fwd to seeing you in '10
  • Aww it's a mutual soft spot! I guess my 'wants' are broad and values-based. I have no control over them though. I know that.
  • Great post Mark! If I had have thought about it - and written it down - when my kids were tiny it would probably have been something similar (except for the physicality thing: would never have occurred to me. Rather, I would have put something about understanding, feeling and expressing themselves musically. I'm guessing that's because I'm a muso while you are active in sports.)

    Anyway, I'm at the other end of the journey (my little darlings are 15 and 17) and am pleased to report that IT'S POSSIBLE! And all it takes, I believe, is to really mean it, and really want it, and don't cop out - especially difficult in moments when pliable, mindless kids would be convenient. We have such influence on how our kids turn out; your post is about recognising that, acknowledging it, pursuing it, and using it for good not evil; and for THEM not YOU. Thankyou. And good luck.

    Dean
  • Hey Dean. I'll definitely be exposing them to music. I guess I'm trying to think above that though so I want them to be phsyical but if that's not a sports thing that's cool.

    As someone with kids 15 and 17, it's great to hear your perspective. A lot of guys don't talk in a real way about this stuff. Any challenges through the teen years?
  • Mark, this is a wonderful post, and fits into my idea of being 'proactive' - the fact you have thought about what you would like in your children/traits you'd like them to have means your ahead of the majority here.

    Wanting things for our children is noble, and all of your items are good, intangible items that cannot readily be bought or sold. I, too have often wondered what I want for my children and right now I'm comfortable with the idea of them being allowed to be a child, to learn what they can from wherever they can and to respect others. From this I believe 'happiness' will come as well as a respect for others and the world.

    My project is also (hopefully) going to be a journal for them to read in the future of things we did as a family/I did as a father, to help explain a little bit more about where we came from. Your list looks to be doing something similar for them 10-20 years from now.
  • The journal sounds like a great idea. Print, online?
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