Becoming a father for the first time is cool. But it’s different to before. Sure, there are probably plenty of guys out there who will be detached and withdrawn like their own dads may have been, who may never change a nappy or help out in the kitchen … but many want to be different.
The thing is, most of us are pretty much wing-ing it. There aren’t many male Oprahs around nor is it exactly pub conversation for most.
Having become a dad twice-over and watched mates enjoy the experience too I thought I’d share some observations about the journey… Of course, it’s different for everybody.
Ladies, guys want things lined up first
So many guys I’ve talked to – whether it’s about getting engaged, married or having kids… have this thing in their head that everything needs to feel aligned before they commit. They want to feel secure, strong, settled, ready, capable of being a good provider. We buy into these stereotypes – perhaps because we know no better; maybe it just seems sensible. If we’re honest with ourselves, this is probably a ‘readiness ritual’ (“give me time to get used to the idea”) rather than actually being ready but it’s a powerful undercurrent in many men’s minds. (Some guys, however, are incapable of commitment… yes, it’s true)
Men don’t really care about the theories
There are so many theories – what to do to have a boy or a girl, when to do it, what to eat or drink to have good swimmers. I don’t think most men take this stuff seriously. They just don’t like being nagged.
Trying to get pregnant, women disappear into a parallel world
When I was young I believed that you could get pregnant pretty easily… any time. Not only is this not true for so many people, but with women driving a lot of the ‘make baby time’, men can feel like their role is turning up when they’re told to. The ladies are marking off the days of the month on the calendar, putting thermometers in their mouths to work out when they’re ovulating, disappearing into bathrooms with ovulation kits… sometimes re-appearing for the call-up. It’s not always as romantic as you expected… nor as successful.
Success – if it happens – is surreal
Sorry to bang on about the ‘if it happens’ – it’s just that you can’t take it for granted. But when it does happen, it’s really awesome… and scary. For men – as much as their partners – I think the ‘I’m pregnant’ thing really marks a line in the sand between them as young men, roamers of the Earth, pub larrikins and, well, just men. Providers, less selfish, living more for others. Yes, not all men become or stay like this but, mentally, it’s a big event. It’s very surreal.
‘Hanging on’ at the doctors
Rightly so, most of the attention once you get pregnant is on mum and foetus. I tried to attend most appointments to enjoy the ride and be supportive. But, as with the ‘call-up’ phase of trying to get pregnant, many men do just feel like an appendage for someone else’s journey. I’m not saying this is right – just how it is for many.
Men may roam oddly during pregnancy
Much as some men phone ex-girlfriends before they get married, some men may seem a bit erratic during pregnancy – having big nights out when it seems inappropriate, for instance. I think some of this is a reaction to their world at home being less about them, less in their control… for some it may be a ‘Holy shit! I can’t believe I’m having a baby… where’s the beer?’ sort of reaction. Again, maybe not right, but I’ve seen it… maybe even done it.
Nesting – we all do it
The modern day equivalent to nesting involves trips (every weekend) to IKEA, Babies Galore, Baby Kingdom, the local shopping centre… you may only rarely buy something but you know exactly what you’ll be doing each and every weekend. Trust me. Privately, I’m not sure men enjoy the compulsive window shopping thing. Some probably do.
Men lose their wives to baby websites
This must be revenge for being made Xbox widows earlier in the relationship. Bubhub, Essential Baby and Huggies seem to be local favourites.
Many men try to connect (or re-connect) with their dads
I took my dad away for a weekend. Just spoke and stuff. We do this because we’re trying to remember how our dads were when we were kids and what part of how they were we then want to be. Maybe we want to hear that things will be OK, that we’ll be able to handle everything fatherhood throws at us, as well.
A lot of stuff stops making sense
This is a really common theme with a lot of the young dads I speak to. Half of our ante-natal group changed their job in the 3 months we saw each other. Then the last few months of the pregnancy and first few months after baby arrives… it’s both hard to focus but also really hard to feel motivated. Being with baby versus working? Just doesn’t make sense in a lot of ways. It can be a tough journey for many men as they re-evaluate and adjust their values.
Respect for women
I have to say… women are awesome. Having babies, holy cow! Respect, respect, respect.
If you’re on this journey now, I really recommend reading this book: Manhood by Steve Biddulph. It will make a bunch of stuff that much clearer.
What are your thoughts?
As a man on this journey, as a woman watching it? Oh, and, yes, I KNOW it’s tougher for women… but somebody had to write a man’s perspective. Please don’t judge it.
Photo courtesy of me.
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